According to Dr. Christopher Kerr the two biggest fears people face in society is the fear of public speaking and dying. I have to admit, public speaking was fear of mine but the idea of dying is a much larger fear. I am not a Doctor, but I did see my share of patients and my own mother at the end of their lives and the experiences they had individually.
Dying has been and will continue to be a mystery when it comes to differing views on an afterlife or not. There are also differing theories about the brain and dying. Some researchers believe that there is heightened consciousness just before death, others do not agree with this hypothesis.
Steve Job’s sister, Mona Simpson wrote about her brothers last moments on earth and what his final words were:
“Steve’s final words, hours earlier, were monosyllables, repeated three times.
“Before embarking, he’d looked at his sister Patty, then for a long time at his children, then at his life’s partner, Laurene, and then over their shoulders past them.
“Steve’s final words were: ‘Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.’”
“His breath indicated an arduous journey, some steep path, altitude. He seemed to be climbing.”
When my father was dying I remember walking into the room and watching him breathe in and out as if he was pacing himself. He seemed to be controlling his destiny at that moment in time. I went to kiss him good night, he told me good bye. I was leaving for the night because mom had 5 children at home and she knew my dad’s time on earth was almost over - my dad didn’t know I was leaving for the night. Friends offered to have us over so mom could take care of dad. An hour before my dad passed he asked my mom to bring him my baby sister who was 18 months old at the time so he could kiss her goodbye.
I’ve witnessed many patients who were dying while I worked in the hospital and what I saw was quite similar to most of the patients who had been terminally ill. Some were very confused and agitated prior to death but would have a sudden surge hours before their death. It appeared their state of confusion left, they were hungry, talking to their family members as if nothing had happened and even appeared as though they were healing. They talked about the past and present as if their mind had never been altered. At some point, within hours they would become comatose, yet many of these patients would also share similar visions.“I wan’t to go home,” “Look over in that corner, do you see Jimmy, he’s waving to you, my sister Joan is waiting patiently for me, my parents have come to guide me home.” I would hear these statements just prior to the patient falling into a deep coma. I used to think they were inferring, “They wanted to go home,” out of confusion but as years have passed, I honestly feel they wanted to reach their final destination.
When I took the Hospice Certification Course we read a book by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and a quote of hers really stood out, that loved ones will be there to guide us. I’ve seen so much evidence of this, of course not Scientific evidence but I’ve seen it. I want to believe that we leave our body like a butterfly who’s left it’s cocoon for the first time with wings that allow for exploration; freedom.
“But at the time of transition, your guides, your guardian angels, people whom you have loved and who have passed on before you, will be there to help you. We have verified this beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I say this as a scientist. There will always be someone to help you with this transition.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Life After Death
My mom was in a semi-coma 3 days prior to passing. My mom never spoke of religion or spirituality but on day 2 she awoke from her semi-coma and for appearances sake, seemed as though she was having a come back. Mom was not able to swallow, speak well, let alone drink or eat the day before. When she had her ‘surge’ as we called it, she said, wow- I don’t know what happened to me yesterday but I’m thirsty and hungry! Mom drank a load of fluids, had some food (she hadn’t eaten solids in over a year) and she asked my husband if she could try his beer. After taking a sip, she whispered to him, “You really shouldn’t drink that.” We all had a good laugh. He was drinking a stout ale.
The day before during mom’s semi-coma she awoke a bit while I was holding her hand and told me she was seeing people. The healthcare person in me came out due to what I had seen many times in the past and I asked her if they were still here on earth? My mom told me no. Her eyes looked a bit fearful, actually, I’m not sure I can pull out a word to describe the look in her eyes so I was trying to tread lightly because it seemed she wanted to talk about it. So, I asked her if they were nice people? Mom looked me firmly in the eye and said, “Yes, they are! Phew, that made me feel better because mom’s father had passed and they had a very bad relationship. I thought maybe she was seeing him. Mom feared and disliked her dad, so I was relieved they were nice people! I went on to ask mom if she saw my dad, and she became very agitated telling me, “no, no….. I don’t want to talk about it!” I felt like I let her down and held a lot of guilt for some time because I didn’t know why that would have upset her. I had to tell myself that she was possibly hoping I would know who she saw, I don’t think she had enough strength to share it with me.
After Mom’s surge
Mom was awake and feeling so well for about 6 hours or so and then she fell back into a semi-coma that night. Mom fell into a deep coma the day of her death about 24 hours later. We were lucky to have some very special extra moments with her. No one can explain what happens to a patient when they ‘come back to life,’ for a short period of time. Again, there are hypothesis, but nothing tangible. I want to believe it’s a miraculous gift some are given but again, that’s just my own hypothesis. Dying will remain a mystery, for what ever reasons it seems we aren’t supposed to know what happens but…
I want to believe we do have lost loved ones waiting to guide us ‘home,’ wherever home may be after we pass.
Maybe Nikola Telsa said it best when it comes to the mystery of death and dying: “The day science begins to study non-physical phenomena, it will make more progress in one decade than in all the previous centuries of its existence.”
I want to leave you with this TedxBuffalo talk given by Dr. Christopher Kerr who explains his own experiences as a Doctor, not a religious person or from a spiritual perspective. I found this very interesting and thought provoking. There is video contained within his talk of a woman named Mary who was very alert and explained who she was seeing on both sides of her before she passed. I really hope you have the time to to watch this video if this subject is of interest because it left me with a sense of calm.
I would love for others to share any experiences they’ve had with a loved one or in a healthcare setting. I’m certain there are still many stories that have gone untold, so please do share! I hope you have time to listen to Dr. Kerr’s TedX talk. I was able to keep it together better than I envisioned during mom’s illness, it wasn’t until approximately 6 months later a deep void set in, depression.
“If there’s light in the darkness of dying, it’s in the experience, not in the dying.” Dr. Christopher Kerr
