Tonight I shed a lot of tears. I was doing a bit of reflection and realized there was a time when I felt a glimmer of hope because I had been free from the chains of chronic anxiety along with panic attacks for weeks at a time in my 40’s. I thought possibly my anxiety was dissipating. I was wrong.
Once I hit menopause, it seems my generalized anxiety became not only a visitor but a permanent resident residing within me. I held on to hope that once I hit a certain stage during menopause, my anxiety disorder would lighten up again. Wrong.
I look back on the progress I felt I was finally making during my 40’s and it feels like grief at this time. I grieve for the person I thought I was becoming, I grieve for all that I’m missing out on in life because, generalized anxiety disorder makes you feel like a prisoner in your own body.
I developed agoraphobia, it’s hard for me to leave my home. I won’t leave if I don’t have to and when I do have to go somewhere, I can barely function days or weeks leading up to an out of town gathering- that includes getting together with my immediate family… seriously, how pathetic is that? My biggest fear of leaving home (or not being close to my home), I won’t be able to hide my anxiety or I may have a panic attack.
My panic attacks consist of feeling dizzy which many times leads to vertigo and I feel as though I’m going to pass out. Knowing all the symptoms I develop causes pre-anticipatory anxiety, so it becomes a vicious cycle.
It’s been quite a while since I’ve been able to write because my thoughts seem scattered and I feel like I have brain fog. It’s exhausting to fight daily in order to try and function. My mind has been like a blank page for too long now with the exception of chronic, intrusive thoughts.
I also realize that I’ve put my health on the back burner the past year or so because my husband has been ill. Somehow, I’m able to pull it together in order to make…